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lyrics

Darn Tarn
(Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Danny Doonican / Amanda White)

It’s seven o’clock, the taxi’s honkin’ his horn
He’s here to take you there… rarnd Tarn
Your best floral shirt and you’re covered in Brut
And now you’re on your way… rarnd Tarn
You’re thinkin’ ‘bout your big night out
And all the classy totty
And drinkin’ half your weight in beer
To piss it darn the potty
We’ll all be there

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles - forget all your cares

When you’re rarnd Tarn
Things’ll be great when you’re rarnd Tarn
You and your mates are off rarnd Tarn
The ladies are waiting for you

Hitting the bars and having too many jars
The lads are art in force… rarnd Tarn
Trying to flirt when you’ve got beer down yer shirt
The ladies aren’t impressed… rarnd Tarn
Girls with skirts that look like belts,
And bouncers seeking trouble
“Yer names not darn, you can’t come in,
So piss off on the double”
This pavement’s quite hard

Everyone’s a fighter there
You’ve lost all your mates; you’ve got sick in yer hair
And you’re rarnd Tarn
Can’t get in the club, you’re stuck rarnd Tarn
You go for some grub somewhere rarnd Tarn
The kebab-shop is waiting for you

It’s quarter past three and your tekkin’ a wee
Against a shop window… rarnd Tarn
Kebab in yer hand, you think it tastes grand
Until you throw it up… rarnd Tarn
You stagger to the taxi rank,
Your legs they feel like rubber
No money in your wallet, you’re a paralytic bugger
You get in the queue

You’ve not got a single care
You’ll forget your address, lose your taxi fare

When you’re plastered
Everyone stares when you’re plastered
All the girls think you’re a numpty
Nobody cares about you

credits

from Cpl Kipper's Barnsley Trades Club Turn (2020), released October 8, 2020

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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