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lyrics

When We're Playing Tough Gigs
(Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Amanda White)

Well, we gig at the weekends
After working hard all week
Some nights are good some nights are grand,
And every one's unique
But, some nights they are are tough as hell
The horror stories we could tell
Of Barnsley's chronic clientele
When we’re playing tough gigs

In pubs in Tarn you have to play two sets of 45
But there are nights we watch the clock
Hopin' we get out alive

Playing Dodworth Club for Working Men
We're on from 9 til quarter t' 10
They talk over every song but then
They're deathly quiet for bingo
The meat raffle's drawn, and Deidre wins
Some offal and a pound of mince
While you're playing Purple Rain by Prince
She's distracted by a sausage

Each nauseating second
Is more painful than first
But once you're done, they shout for more
to get their money's worth

The nightmare gig, you've just arrived
The football's on, on Sky Sports live
On a massive screen on the stage behind
The place you're meant to set up
Knuckle dragging blokes watch you
As you try hard not to block their view
And to mek it worse they're losing too
And the bar's run out of Stella

You wonder why they've booked you
But you see the ends in sight
Til a last minute equaliser teks it into extra time

A wedding with a family feud
You're background noise, an interlude
While guests catch up and wait for food
They'll only dance for t'DJ
A hour in things escalate
A drunken lass, she dun't look great
Shouts "Play Adele for my best mate"
"And she'll sing it, if you let her"

I've seen it all, so not a lot will make this lad see red,
Ask one more time for Skyfall
And this uke's wrapped round your head

So when we’ve been entertaining
To earn an honest bob
For a knackered Bar-Steward
It’s a dead exhausting job
Now it’s quite clear, it’s plain to see,
I’m not Tom Jones, won’t ever be
Coz they throw pints, not pants at me,
When we're playing tough gigs!

credits

from Cpl Kipper's Barnsley Trades Club Turn (2020), released October 8, 2020

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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