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Where Do You Go To My Lovely
(Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Joseph Anthony Capstick)

You talk like her that played Mandy Dingle
And you dance like a pissed Fred Astaire
Your clothes they are all made by Kappa
And there’s yesterday’s soup in your hair
(Yes there is… quite a lot)

You live darn on Worsbrough Common,
In a flat darn Bruce Avenue way
And you prop up the bar in The Silkstone
Where you once copped off with Darren Day (yes you did)

So where do you go to my lovely,
When you’re alone in your bed?
Tell me the parts that surround you,
I want to look inside your head
(Yes I do, but not for nits!)

I’ve seen all your lengthy convictions
That you got from Barnsley Magistrates’ Court
And your ASBO for glassing a barman
And the knocked-off flat-screen that you bought

When you go on your summer vacation
To Ibiza: San Antonio Bay
With your carefully designed crotchless swimsuit
You can tan, while all the blokes run away
(You’ll never see them for t’dust!)

And by nightfall you’re found darn the boozer
With others who drink to forget
And you neck your tenth Red Bull and Vodka
And moan about all of your debts (yes you do)

So where do you go to my lovely,
When you’re alone in your bed?
I know all the smells that surround you
Would have any man wish he were dead (yes I do)

Your name it is heard in high places
By the bouncers in all of the clubs
As they drag you out, kicking and screaming
After being barred from all of Tarn’s pubs
(Oh yes, Pub Watch know your name)

And they say that if you got married
He’ll deserve a medal as big as a bin lid
‘Cos he’ll have to put up with you farting in bed
And how you kick off at your seven kids
(Chantelle, Chlamydia, Tyler… there’s four others
You can’t remember their names)

Where do you go to my lovely?
What goes on inside your head?
On Thursday you're cashing your giro
To put on horses and dogs at BetFred
(There’s no way a horse called ‘Yorkshire Pride’is finishing first)

I remember rarnd t’back of the Netto
Two children playing innocent games
I saw some things playing ‘Doctors and Nurses’
And me life’s never been quite the same
(No it’s not, it never will!)

So look into my face Donna Clegg
And remember just who you are
Then go and leave me forever
But I know that you won’t get that far
(with that chuffing mattress on your back)

I know where you go to my lovely,
When you’re not frequenting Greggs
I know nowt but trouble surrounds you,
So I don’t want to get in your keks

credits

from Cpl Kipper's Barnsley Trades Club Turn (2020), released October 8, 2020

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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