The Dark Side Of The Tarn

by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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about

The 'Dark and Difficult' Fourth Album

At the time of recording, the band's fourth studio album "The Dark Side Of The Tarn" was the most 'different' BS/VD album to date, as it is the first one not feature our good brother Danny Doonican, who sadly departed the band due to a bizarre birth-certificate related incident (exact current whereabouts unknown... somewhere in Marbella is suspected).

In the aftermath of Danny's unfortunate exile, Darkside represents a reflective dark-side to the band. Most of the album was recorded by Scott prior to Andy joining the band with both Alan and Andy coming in at the 11th hour to lay down their own tracks. As a result, some songs were more experimental in the studio recording process, and to this day Giro remains the only Bar-Steward Sons track never to have been performed live as three are only three Bar-Stewards and not an entire orchestra!

The album encompasses the many things that get up people's noses and upset folk in day-to-day life in Barnsley (or indeed any other town in Britain today).

Subject matter includes roadworks, chavs, teen pop-idols, shopping, road-rage, system-scroungers and people who leave late-night "presents" on Graham Ibbeson's magnificent statue of Dickie Bird in Barnsley's town centre!

It also features the Number 1 hit* 'If I Could Punch A Face... It'd Be Justin Bieber's'

* #1 for 16 weeks in the Ukraine

credits

released June 18, 2011

Scott Doonican - Vocals, geetars, banjos, mandolin, melodica, bass, piano, bouzouki, ukulele, accordion, drim programming, kazoo, owt else
Alan Doonican - accordion, rotary organ, piano
Andy Doonican - boukouki, six-string banjom electric guitar

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about

The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley Rock City in't north, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are determined to follow in their father's immortal footsteps. They naturally began to perform other famous people’s songs complete with lyrics about life in't North and to complete their squeaky-clean image, they became instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense.
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Track Name: Giro
Giro
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: R.Waters)

Giro! Hip-hooray! Lay in bed, there’s no need for work today
Giro! It's a gas! Get thiisen to’t pub with tax payers’ hard earned cash
Car on mobility for the family
Claim a dodgy back… and get thissen a blue badge

Giro! It’s great! I'm alreight mate, got it courtesy of the State
Giro! Outta sight! Dun’t need none-of-that “You’ve got an interview” shite
I’m in the unworking class, so kiss my ass
Watchin’ Trisha on me brand new plasma-screen

Giro! What a crime!
But if the neighbours shop me then it looks like I’m doin’ time.
Giro, so they say, is the root of unfairness today
Track Name: Digging The Roads Up
They’re Digging The Roads Up
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: A.Hill / J.Danter)

You’d only just sped it up ‘afore you had to slow it darn
There’s a tonne of traffic and it’s tailing back a mile or two frum’t Tarn
But soon you find when you pass the sign… they’re digging the roads up
So then you quickly turn it off before you burn your new clutch art
You’re running late already and it’s just thing to mek you scream and shart
Coz you find that it’s t’Council’s time… for digging the roads up

It says ‘Delays expected until the end of June’
But when they end in August – the new sign says ‘more coming soon’

But there is just a gret big hole and a brokken traffic light
There’s one fella diggin’ while the rest are watchin’ him – that’s abart reight
There’s loads of fuss, but there ain’t a rush… they’re digging the roads up
And then to mek it worse the lazy buggers cun’t care less
And when they’re likely to finish mekkin’ people late is anyone’s best guess
So now you know where your council tax goes… on digging the roads up

You’re sat bumper to bumper – on Sunday it’s a farce
If only there were workmen, you’d stick them cones right up their arse!

Eventually they clear it up and start to tek the cones away
And the bloke with the sign lettin’ two at a time out isn’t here today
The digger’s gone ‘cause they’ve finally done… with digging the roads up
But soon they tear it all back up because there’s summat else to do
You would’ve thought that they could’ve done two jobs at once – it isn’t hard to do
Yet more expense… there’s no common sense… they’re digging roads up
Track Name: You Give Tarn A Bad Name
You Give Tarn A Bad Name
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: J.Bon Jovi / R.Sambora / D.Child)
 
A baseball cap is what you wear - You think you’ve got style but there’s clearly none there
Chains of bling, star of CCTV - You should be in prison but you’re walkin’ free
Woah - With all the drugs that you sell
Woah - You’ve been on Neighbours From Hell… Electronic’ly tagged with a curfew as well

From Jump to Locke Park - it’s such a shame - Chavs give Tarn bad name
You give them an ASBO - they think it’s fame - You give Tarn a bad name

You Burberry hoodies, hide your faces away - To stop you from starring on Crimewatch UK
Wearing cheap nylon sportswear - Just a quick sudden move and the whole National Grid could be powered by you
Woah - Your DNA’s on police file
Woah - You've been on Jeremy Kyle… Your mother’s your sister - only known for a while

From Pilley to Wuz’bro - it’s such a shame - Chavs give Tarn a bad name
You claim that that pit-bull is perfectly tame - But you give Tarn a bad name

All through the borough - it’s such a shame - Chavs give Tarn bad name
Stop acting like Westwood ‘cause he’s just as lame - You give Tarn a bad name
From Hoyland to Kendray - it’s such a shame - Chavs give Tarn a bad name
You can act like you’ve done nowt, but you’re alluz blame - You give Tarn a bad name
Track Name: Arse On Fire
Arse On Fire
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: N.Followill / J.Followill / C.Followill / M.Followill)

It’s 1 o’clock in the morning… you been rarnd the tarn - And you’ve now got the munchies… you’re hungry
Like bees around honey… like a moth to a flame - You stagger off for a curry… no worries
Your legs work like a Sat Nav… and tek you to the K2 - You stumble in lookin’ plastered… “I’ll have pork vindaloo”
They don’t hold back on the chillies, they don’t hold back on the spice - And you wolf it darn quickly… so quickly

Bugger! Your mouth is on fire! Woah! Can’t help but perspire!

Now it’s early next morning… you could drink a tap dry - Your mouth’s like Ghandi’s flip-flops… but you cannot think why
And your head it is pounding and you can’t stop the pain - You’re feelin’ so dehydrated… so wasted
But your gut’s feeling jippy... you know it ain’t right - And then you remember... what you ate last night
And you push back the bedsheets... and you race to the bog - And you only just make it... you made it

Bugger! Your arse is on fire! Woah! Now the temperature’s higher

Yes your bum’s like a cherry... it’s red and it’s raw - You daren’t move from the toilet… it feels incredibly sore
Coz it seems that it’s hotter on the way out than going in in the first place… you have good reason to shout
The toilet-roll’s on the fridge shelf… yes you need some relief - But your Ring of Fire… it beggars belief
As your Khyber Pass suffers from Ghandi’s Revenge - It smelt so bad I could taste it… taste it

Bugger! Your arse is on fire! Woah! With the flames burning higher!
Track Name: Doonican's Dog
Doonican’s Dog
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: W.Hargreaves)

Alan’s mother had a terrier and Penny was its name - She’d take it for a walk to spend a penny up the lane
He volunteered to walk it to the park in Matlock Bath - She said okay, but didn’t know it would be such a faff
He fetched the lead and he hooked it to her collar, and then his mam said “Don’t forget a bag”
“A bag?” he said “What on earth do I need that for?” and Penny looked at Alan and she gave her tail a wag
She said “Alan, it’s for pooing in. What d’you think you’d do with it?” - “I’ve been already” replied Alan to his mum
“You really can’t be serious - it’s for picking up her business. You can’t just leave it dangling from the poor dog’s bum”
So he set off down with it, strolling into town with it, through the gates, past the trees and kids and larks
The dog it was loving it, couldn’t get enough of it - the day that Alan took the dog to Matlock Park.

The dog was looking ready, Alan quickly thought it through - he’d get the dog to go inside the bag to do its poo
But Penny saw it different - in fact she just thought no - She was buggered if the bag was the place she was going to go
Alan clearly must have under-rated it - he thought he’d train it to get inside the sack
He thought it, brought it, and then, without apology, the dog just buggered off as if it wasn’t coming back
There was Alan pushing it, shoving it and shushing it, fighting and struggling - he’d almost given up
Stood there whacking it, shoving it and smacking it - He might as well have tried to pick the Town Hall up!
Penny she was eyeing him, openly defying him, growling and snarling, she gave a nasty bark
He stood there reversing it, swearing and a-cursing it - the day that Alan took the dog to Matlock Park.

The muscles of the mighty, never known to flinch - he couldn’t shift the terrier a quarter of an inch
Alan lay exhausted, hanging round its throat, with a grip just like a Scotchman on a five pound note
Other dog walkers crowded round to stare at him - They couldn’t believe what they’d saw him do but then
Penny backed into the bag and left a proper whopper and Alan gave a cheer but quickly changed his mind again
‘Cause he was left there dragging it, tying up and bagging it - the bag was so full that he thought it might explode
It was too big for his pocket, but the dog went like a rocket and it legged it off contently having dropped its load
But Alan kept on pulling it, dragging the bag full of it - he took it home despite the trouble and the strife
His mam looked mad when she looked down, her face it dropped into a frown
And said “Alan, why on earth d’you use me Bag For Life!?”
Track Name: If I Could Punch A Face...
If I Could Punch A Face…
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: N.Diamond)

There’s a fever sweeping ‘cross the country now - It’s even worse than all the fans of Glee
He’s on every bloody cover, of every magazine - irritating normal folk like me
If I could punch a face… it’d be Justin Bieber’s - There’s not a trace of doubt in my mind
He’s a chuff - can’t stand Justin Bieber - Hope he gets fever or even hives

He’s only twelve and wrote his own biography (in crayon) - His face adorns the shelves of every shop (it’s sickening)
All the girls go crazy - he’s the prince of pop - but what will happen when his bollocks drop?
If I could punch a face… it’d be Justin Bieber’s - There’s not a trace of doubt in my mind
He’s an arse - I hate Justin Bieber - Singing “Baby-Oh”, like, a billion times

He’s got a stupid haircut, and his music’s crap - You couldn’t tire from giving him a slap
If I could punch a face… it’d be Justin Bieber’s - There’s not a trace of doubt in my mind
Switch his music off - destroy ‘Bieber Fever’ and poke Justin Bieber in the eye
If I could punch a face… it’d be Justin Bieber’s - Seek medical advice if you’ve got Bieber Fever
‘Cause it’s worse than clap!
Track Name: Lift Dickie Bird Where He Belongs
Lift Dickie Bird Where He Belongs
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: J.Nitzsche/B.Sainte-Marie/W.Jennings)

Who knows what the morning brings - in the Tarn after folks have been art
All I know is when they’re on the lash - they leave gifts on his finger when dark
Their deeds are wrong - There are times when I sit and pray
For the council to shift him art o’t’ way

Lift Dickie Bird where he belongs - Just a couple of feet from yobs on the street
Please lift him up where he belongs - Far from his street-level home - Where the drunks do roam

They dangle things on his finger-top - He’s a target, and you can see why
From the minute Graham Ibbeson broke his mould he became a joke - night after night
How low can they go? They leave crisp bags and condoms ararnd
On the most famous finger in’t Tarn

So listen up folks… A joke ain’t a joke when Dickie’s had it up to here!

Just lift him up where he belongs - Dickie Bird won’t cry from a platform high
Just lift him up where he belongs - Up from the world below where the Tarnsfolk folk roam
Track Name: Born To Get Riled
Born To Get Riled
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: M. Bonfire)

Get your motor runnin’ - Head out on the highway
But sometimes road-rage grips me if things get in me way
You could fit a chuffin’ tank in that gap
You turned the road into a parkin’ space
Why don’t you put yer foot darn granddad, or else I’ll get in yer face!
A flaming’ learner driver - doin’ 30 in the fast lane
I’m sat behind a tractor and it’s driving me insane
Hey pal, where’ve you left yer white stick? How you got a license isn’t clear
Get off yer bloody mobile phone and get into fifth gear

You can say that I act like a child - but I was born - born to get riled
Despite how hard I try - they mek me wanna cry - Born to get riled

Get your motor runnin’ - Head out on the highway
Pedestrians and cyclists - Just get art of me way
I’m not clairvoyant - use yer indicators
Get off me bumper - you don’t own the road
How’s your driving? Well I’ll tell you when you’ve shifted your heavy load

You can say that I act like a child - but I was born - born to get riled
Despite how hard I try - they mek me wanna cry - Born to get riled
Track Name: I Shopped At Asda
I Shopped At Asda
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: B.Marley & E.Steward / G.Gouldman)

I shopped at Asda and it nearly put ten years on me
When I do the Big Shop it’s always a catastrophe

It’s Friday neet, and I’m doin’ the Big Shop - Got that trolley wit’ dodgy wheels
It’s tekking me places I dun’t wanna go - Don’t need Lillettes or Vagisil
At the deli counter, got a ticket there - It was number fifty five
It was like a meat and cheese-based lottery - No bugger’s getting out alive

I shopped at Asda - ‘cause I needed some snap for me tea
You always spend a fortune - ‘cause there’s loads on buy-one-get-one-free

I couldn’t move for all the obstacles - That were blockin’ every lane
Can’t get to’t’ shelves for’t staff restacking them - It’s enough to drive a bloke insane
Kids running wild in the confection’ry - It meks me wanna shout
They’re screaming “Mam! Why can’t I have no sweets?”
What they really wants a bloody clout.

I shopped at Asda - and I got me quid stuck in’t trolley
I only went for’t paper - but bought a Blu-Ray DVD

All of a sudden, t’final aisle’s in sight - I’m almost home and free
Head for the counter, but my path is blocked by a chuff on shop mobility
The checkout girl looked bored and looked through me - She said “D’you want a Bag For Life?”
I said “I’ve got one here already love”... and got a reight clout off me wife

I shopped at Asda - but I did not take me mam with me
Me mam shops at Iceland - ‘cause that’s where mums are meant to be

Frustration came my way one day - At the self-service check-out
Unexpected item in the bagging area - Before I’d started scanning owt
The barcode scanner said my Toblerone - Was a plasma-screen TV
I looked around, but no one could be found - It wasn’t looking good for me
One spotty kid was running fourteen tills - Took ages to sort the farce
He said “Do you need a hand with your packing sir?”
I said “You can pack self-service up yer arse”!”


I don’t like Sainsburys – no no! Or t’Netto… I don’t like Waitrose - oh no! Or t’Tescos!
I hate Morrisons – I do! And t’Co-op… I can think of - a few - more reasons to shop - elsewhere
I can’t stand shopping – no no – I hate it! But I’ve solved that problem... I send the missus
She prefers Lidl – she does - or sometimes Aldi… She buys in bulk there... That’s much more handy
I can’t stand shopping!
Track Name: Shine On You Crazy Bar-Steward
Shine On You Crazy Bar-Steward
(Lyrics: S.Doonican - Music: R.Waters / R.Wright / D.Gilmour)
 
Remember when it was fun, we were Bar-Steward Sons… Shine on you crazy Bar-Steward
But your sudden goodbye tore a hole in the sky… Shine on you crazy Bar-Steward
You were caught in the cross fire of knit-wear and good times - And it brought you right down to your knees
I thought you were kidding… you had to be joking… Now don’t be a stranger, you long-lost half-brother of mine!

And then you didn’t want to hang around on the dark side of town… Shine on you crazy Bar-Steward
Brave face every night, but exposed in stage lights… Shine on you crazy Bar-Steward
Well you hung up your tank-top with random precision - Be careful you don’t want to freeze
You washed off the greasepaint, you made your decision, and turned off the showman, just as it was our turn to shine!

Nobody knows where you are... how near or how far… Shine on you crazy Bar-Steward
It doesn’t feel like it should – Two out of three ain’t as good… Shine on you crazy Bar-Steward
And we'll bask in the shadow of yesterday's triumph and exhale that icy cold breeze
No-one’s a winner… we all end as losers - Last orders are here, take your glass to the bar ‘cause it’s time

Hidden track: Barnsley Birds
Written by Dr. Chris Sammon