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lyrics

All Abart The Plates
Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Amanda White
 
You may think it’s just a First World Problem - but I’d say no, no, no
You’ve got no idea, but lend me an ear - and I’ll tell my tale of woe
I’ll recollect a time - and though I’m pretty far from fine
I recall a certain kitchen nightmare - that happened not so long ago…
 
Unsuspecting one weekend - I went for pub-grub with a friend
The waiter asked me for my order
I asked “What would you recommend?”
And as he brought the sirloin steak - I couldn’t help but double-take…
 
They brought me steak on a breadboard
And I said “What the chuff is that!?”
Were they smokin’ crack? - It’s just chuffing slack, a plate is where it’s at
I’d waited some time - but yet they somehow thought that’s fine
There’s no way I’m eating off a plank of wood - so I med him tek it back
 
What’s wrong with good old-fashioned plates?
Well you can do one with yer slates
You must think that I’ve gone funny
‘cos what you bought to t’table’s a piss-take
You may have thought that that would pass
But you can shove that slate back up on your rooftop
 
If you’re bringing me bread in a flat-cap, then I’ll say “whoa, whoa, whoa!”
If you mess your kecks at the thought of Pyrex
Then your food’s just got to go
I ha’n't got the time - for gormet chefs who think that’s fine
So go and get your finest China - or I’m guaranteed to go
 
The waiter said our food’s revered - I thought, pal, you’ve no idea
But I'm not one to lose me patience
Over simple things like food and beer
I thought a curry’s a no-brainer - til he brought it all out in a trainer
 
It’s time to send your chef to rehab - because no crockery’s just rude
I think he’s a fart, if he claims that that’s art
Jackson Pollock’s to your food           
Don’t you think it’s time - to finally stop this pantomime?
Let’s get rid of baskets, slates and breadboards
Because it’s time for them to go
 
It’s all abart the plates, not slates or breadboards
It’s all abart the plates, not slates or breadboards
It’s all abart the plates, not slates or breadboards
It’s all abart the plates, ‘bout the plates

credits

from T'South 0 - Tarn 4 (2016), released May 11, 2016

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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