Big Coffee Brand

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live] by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

Big Coffee Brand
Lyrics: Björn Doonicansson / Scott Doonican / Amanda White

I went into Tarn with me missus
All the shops she did drag me ararnd
And after she’d spent nearly all of me cash
She war feeling a little run darn
She said to me “I need a cuppa
Let's go to that shop across t’road”
And when I did turn and did see that place
I thought “Oh, bloody hell, here we go…”

I tried to play stupid and silent
But ‘ar lass was the one in command
And it’s hard to keep your composure
When you go in that Big Coffee Brand

We ventured inside that establishment
And I just could not believe me eyes
It was rammed to the rafters with hipsters
Great big beards upon every guy
And then I perused the menu
There was nowt there that looked like a beer
I mean, what the chuff’s a Cortado?
I thought Clarkson drove one on Top Gear

More sneaky than Somali Pirates
‘cos they’d rob you while you’re on dry land
And it’s hard to keep your composure
When you go in that Big Coffee Brand

The spotty faced oik behind t’counter
Was glaring at me so bemused
‘cos for him it war easy to understand
But I hadn’t got a chuffin’ clue
The front of the queue, it loomed nearer
With no paddle, I was up shit creek
‘cos the prices were tekkin’ the biscuit
And the biscuits were not chuffin’ cheap

I tried not to resort to violence
While I stood with me head in me hands
‘cos it’s hard to keep your composure
When you go in that Big Coffee Brand

I attempted to order me hot drink
But it all went so wrong so fast
‘cos before I’d finished me sentence
He’d robbed me of all of me cash
And the coffee cost seven pound eighty
I thought he was havin’ a laugh
Then he asked me “Do you want a loyalty card?”
I said “Dun't bother, pal, I’m not comin’ back!”

I could have incited a riot
I’d had as much as I could stand
It’s so hard to keep your composure
When you go in that Big Coffee Brand

So having completed my order
I decided to write down this tune
So you’ll know now why they call it Costa
‘cos it’ll cost you a chuffin’ fortune!

‘cos I needed more cash than Neil Diamond
‘cos the prices were just out of hand
If there’s owt that you've learned,
Or you're feeling concerned
Don’t go near that Big Coffee Brand!

credits

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live], released June 1, 2015

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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