Alan & The Robot (Hidden Track)
Lyrics: Alan Doonican #2
 
Back in 1990, on a real downer after my bruising break up with Shaz, I really needed cheering up. It just so happened that at that point, as an avid reader of ‘Accordion World’ (subscription only - delivered in a brown envelope) I won the opportunity to visit the Hohner factory in Trossingen, Baden-Württemberg. Their idea was to invite young up-and-coming accordion aficionados who’d then go into the world and promote their models. I caught a plane from Leeds-Bradford to Stuttgart and was picked up at the airport.
 
They had a museum that had one of every accordion they’ve ever made. We spent a good few hours in there. Then we broke for lunch, and were served sauerkraut paninis, washed down with fizzy lager (didn’t agree with me).  After that, things got serious.
 
We were escorted into a high security area and were made to sign a confidentiality agreement. Then we were taken to a laboratory where we were introduced to what I can only describe as a robot, which had learned how to the play the accordion. Its actual name was Wichsen Akkordeon Roboter (WAR for short).
 
This was a life-sized automaton that played the accordion, and the plan was to take it around the world to trade shows and exhibitions and use it to promote Hohner. It was rumoured to have cost millions of Deutsche-Marks and the Germans were clearly very proud. Each figure-like appendage had hinges where knuckles would be and the bellows were pumped fluidly by a hydraulic computer-controlled arm. 
The technicians demonstrated how a track could be played into it from one of those new-fangled CD’s and the robot would play it perfectly and instantly. It was impressive. We were asked to select a CD from a massive library, and insert it to see how well the WAR could play it. I spotted a Clifton Chenier CD lurking in a corner and selected ‘Bayou Blues’.
 
To the embarrassment of the technicians it sounded completely wrong. They seemed to panic. Next I got a Muddy Waters CD and inserted that. That sounded wrong, too.
This automaton couldn’t play the blues.
 
It had no soul.
 
We were quickly hustled out of the factory and reminded about the confidentiality agreement. Our German hosts warned us that on no account should we mention the WAR. Then we were whisked down the Autobahn to the airport and flown home.
 
However, with the incident playing on my mind, and feeling that accordion players of the world ought to know about this, I subsequently revealed the details of the trip in an interview with ‘Accordion World’.
 
Ze Germans were very unimpressed; well they were livid! So much so, that a lawsuit was in the offing. I had to seriously take stock of my life at that point: what with my break up with Shaz, nothing to stay in Barnsley for, and now the Germans after me, I took the opportunity to get a lift to Hull. And so began my colourful career on the cruise ships, specialising in Yodelling workshops whilst cruising northern Europe, and limbo dance workshops when in the Caribbean.
 
But obviously, that’s another story…