Don’t Watch This Shit At Home
Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Amanda White
 
Forget ‘Made In Chelsea’, just switch off your TV
Then I’d say get thissen to t’pub dun’t sit at home 
And if you have the choice, don’t sit and watch ‘The Voice’
That’s not the kind of mindless cack I would condone

You’re sat there watching Gogglebox
While they’re sat there watching too
Forget the, TV license
Cos there’s so much more to do, anyway now
 
I don’t want to see ‘Extreme Fishing with Robson Green’
Why can’t he sail his ship to Ecuador
And I’m, I’m gonna swear, and I don’t even care
Because, what’s the chuffing point in ‘Geordie Shore’
 
Don’t watch that shit at home
The Apprentice and the X-Factor
Don’t watch that shit at home
Unless Cowell’s fired under a tractor
If you think, that that’s okay, it’s not okay
Don’t watch that shit at home
 
Why, why even bother, with Celebrity Big Brother
‘cos it’s full of Z-list folk that no-one knows
Is it Slash or Henry Rollins? No it’s always Gemma Collins
How can they pay that chuffing goon to sit and moan?

I’d sooner have Donald Trump’s comb-over
And be forced to watch Strictly
Instead of watching, Joey Essex
On every channel on TV…he’s a numpty!
 
Don’t watch that shit at home
TOWIE is wall-to-wall trollops
Don’t watch that shit at home
Feeding celebrities kangaroo bollocks
If you think, that that’s okay, it’s not okay
Don’t watch that shit at home

I’d sooner be like Deborah Meaden
I’m going to be out


Silent Farter (Hidden Track)
Lyrics: Alan Doonican #2
 
Methane eminator - Trouser fumigator
Secret botty burper - Nasal persecutor
I'm a silent farter, sneaky silent farter
You're a silent farter, Sneaky silent farter

He who smelt it dealt it - Fragrance of a cesspit
Surreptitious tooter - Atmosphere polluter
I'm a silent farter, sneaky silent farter
You're a silent farter, Sneaky silent farter
 
Naturally furtive - Stink bomb detonator
Socially explosive -  Noxious fume emitter 
I'm a silent farter, sneaky silent farter
You're a silent farter, Sneaky silent farter



Campervan Of Love (Hidden Track)
Lyrics: Scott Doonican
 
Are you ready? Are you ready?
Are you ready? Are you ready?
Are you ready for the ride of your life?
He’s been from Barnsley to Fife
He’s alright, he’s alright
He’s our dad he drove a campervan
Between shows for his fans
One by one or maybe two at a time
They’d form an orderly line
With hands up, hands up
Couldn’t be accused of stooping low
He wore on his knitwear sleeve a heart of gold
 
Now all the ladies in the crowd would see
No better place on Earth to be
A place where backseats were worn
So neglected and torn apart
 
Every knitwear lovin’ fan got on his campervan of love
‘Ey up! ‘Ey up! ‘Ey up!
All the lasses in the land, rode on his campervan of love
‘Ey up! ‘Ey up! ‘Ey up!
 
He’s our father, had me mother dun’t you know
All the sisters, were so mad for it dun’t you know
 
They run their fingers through his sexy hair
While he rocked them gently in his chair
They’d come in art from the cold
And then wait for his engine to start
 
As he toured around the land, they’d get on his campervan of love
‘Ey up! ‘Ey up! ‘Ey up!
Got it more than Russell Brand, aboard his campervan of love
‘Ey up! ‘Ey up! ‘Ey up!
 
He’s our father, different mothers dun’t you know
All the sisters, queued up to see him after show
 
Are you ready? Are you ready?
Are you ready? Are you ready?