Doonican’s Dog
(Lyrics: S.Doonican)

Alan’s mother had a terrier and Penny was its name - She’d take it for a walk to spend a penny up the lane
He volunteered to walk it to the park in Matlock Bath - She said okay, but didn’t know it would be such a faff
He fetched the lead and he hooked it to her collar, and then his mam said “Don’t forget a bag”
“A bag?” he said “What on earth do I need that for?” and Penny looked at Alan and she gave her tail a wag
She said “Alan, it’s for pooing in. What d’you think you’d do with it?” - “I’ve been already” replied Alan to his mum
“You really can’t be serious - it’s for picking up her business. You can’t just leave it dangling from the poor dog’s bum”
So he set off down with it, strolling into town with it, through the gates, past the trees and kids and larks
The dog it was loving it, couldn’t get enough of it - the day that Alan took the dog to Matlock Park.

The dog was looking ready, Alan quickly thought it through - he’d get the dog to go inside the bag to do its poo
But Penny saw it different - in fact she just thought no - She was buggered if the bag was the place she was going to go
Alan clearly must have under-rated it - he thought he’d train it to get inside the sack
He thought it, brought it, and then, without apology, the dog just buggered off as if it wasn’t coming back
There was Alan pushing it, shoving it and shushing it, fighting and struggling - he’d almost given up
Stood there whacking it, shoving it and smacking it - He might as well have tried to pick the Town Hall up!
Penny she was eyeing him, openly defying him, growling and snarling, she gave a nasty bark
He stood there reversing it, swearing and a-cursing it - the day that Alan took the dog to Matlock Park.

The muscles of the mighty, never known to flinch - he couldn’t shift the terrier a quarter of an inch
Alan lay exhausted, hanging round its throat, with a grip just like a Scotchman on a five pound note
Other dog walkers crowded round to stare at him - They couldn’t believe what they’d saw him do but then
Penny backed into the bag and left a proper whopper and Alan gave a cheer but quickly changed his mind again
‘Cause he was left there dragging it, tying up and bagging it - the bag was so full that he thought it might explode
It was too big for his pocket, but the dog went like a rocket and it legged it off contently having dropped its load
But Alan kept on pulling it, dragging the bag full of it - he took it home despite the trouble and the strife
His mam looked mad when she looked down, her face it dropped into a frown
And said “Alan, why on earth d’you use me Bag For Life!?”