Double Oven

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live] by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

Double Oven
Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Amanda White

‘Ar lass had nothing but bad luck
Anytime that she attempted to bake
The smoke alarm would often tell me
She may have made a ‘little’ mistake
She’d bring her goods to the table
Her buns cremated and black
And look at me with expectant eyes
While I wished she’d take the buggers back

She wants a double oven, the Bake-Off’s on her mind
Wants one with lots of buttons, fan-operated
“Get me a double oven, the Mary Berry kind
And nice new oven gloves
So you can rest your worried mind”

She tried the technical challenge
But she couldn’t work the microwave
They came out salty and savoury
But that isn’t how meringues should behave
I ate the portion she offered me
It was all mangled and mauled
She looked all startled and horrified
As I spat it up against the wall

She wants a double oven, has baking on her mind
Going mad with chocolate buttons, she’s fond of fondue
She cracks eggs by the dozen, until it’s all combined
Beware her soggy bottom
Be sure to take it out on time

The double oven arrived on Friday
The model she had been longing for
The missus gave me a furtive wink
And my temperature started to soar

She promised me something saucy
I’d hoped it would be obscene
She said “It’s all in the wrist action”
But then she walked in with nouvelle cuisine

She’s got a double oven, the Bake-Off’s on her mind
Got one with lots of buttons, fan-operated
She’s got a double oven, the Mary Berry kind
And nice new oven gloves so she’s chuffed to pieces

She’s got buns in the oven, éclairs and florentines
Baps and tarts by the dozen, check out that muffin
She could stop but she doesn’t, she’s working overtime
There’s no more kitchen nightmares
A master baker in her prime

credits

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live], released June 1, 2015

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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