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lyrics

Festival Heroes
Lyrics: Alan Doonican #2 / Scott Doonican
 
From May until September, across our lovely land
There’s loads of folk who hit the road, with tents or campervans
The festival’s a Mecca for the likes of you and me
But there are folk, it’s not a joke, who take things to extremes…
 
You know, the weirdos; you know the festival weirdos
Give them all a wide birth
It doesn’t take that, to spot a real twat
Starting with the lad dressed as a Smurf
So many weirdos
Like the hippies in kaftans wanting to free Tibet
Or the posh-bird called Grace, who wants to embrace
All the folk in the dance-tent on ket… dance-tent on ket
 
Then there’s those who buy their tickets, but dun't go to see a band
Who spend their weekend sat in chairs
Outside a clapped-out transit van
That seventh can of Stella isn’t helping her Tourettes 
They’re Neighbours from hell, who share a brain cell
The sort you can't forget...

This lot aren’t weirdos, they’re just festival bell-ends 
And their time is mis-spent
They use all of the night, to talk absolute shite
When they should be asleep in a tent
They're chuffing morons 
They spend most of the evening talking bollocks but then
He goes to his car, gets an acoustic guitar
And plays Wonderwall badly again... again and again 

The hipsters taking selfies, fashion-conscious, self-obsessed
Wait for the band’s hit single, but then talk through all the rest
The pillocks on their camping chairs, in the moshpit what a farce
Dun’t stand-in-front-of-me-with-your-flag,
Or that pole goes up yer arse
 
Give me torpedoes; give me a sawn-off machine-gun
And I’d sort them I know
I’d start with the lad filming on his i-pad
Is it so hard to just watch the show?
Or all the zeroes, who can never be happy,
They were just born to moan
‘Bout the state of the ground, the line-up, the sound
The weather or charging their phone
Why not stop at home?
 
To all those folk I sing this song, as I count to ten and breathe
You think you’re so original, shouting Alan! Alan! Steve!
Just remember often this thing’s run by volunteers
And they all work bloody hard, so raise yer glasses and say CHEERS!

Cos they're the heroes, they're the festival heroes
And you know that I'm right
They're doing their best, to make a success
So we all have a chuffin’ good time
Yeah they're the heroes, they're the festival heroes
Making things run okay
Planning months in advance, just so we all get chance
To come here for beautiful days
For such beautiful days

credits

from T'South 0 - Tarn 4 (2016), released May 11, 2016

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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