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lyrics

Flat-Packs
(Lyrics: S.Doonican/A.White)

I'm no expert DIYer
I'm giving wordwork a miss
I see no point in dovetail joints
Got a million better things to do than this
I've flicked through the sheets of instructions in Greek
For a Billy bookcase, a bed and a sideboard
All supplied with a tool inside
And ar lass is stressed, she dun't look impressed

No instructions for me - stick yer Allen Key
Up your bracket with brass knobs on
Not got enough springs, they've been left in Beijing 
No I can’t get on with Flat-Packs

It's so horribly, horribly, horribly, horribly tricky
I'm four nuts short and now me doors protrude
The diagram makes it look slimmer
Now I'll never get the bugger to fit
With the shelves attached it's a dreadful sight
But I could try and set my eyes on the Turner Prize

I’m sure you'll agree - it's not for me
All these years I've not improved
I could chuck it all in to the nearest bin
No I can't get on with Flat-Packs
Yeah, I’m pretty pants at Flat-Packs

I'm not terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly picky
But I'm sure the drawers should not be upside down
Me patience is getting much thinner
Cos it's lookin' much worse in 3-D
After all those jobs there's more bits and bobs 
Than are out on view, at the B&Q

With hammer in hand it won't look grand
Me knob's on the wrong way round
The cupboard's in pieces, me temper increases
It teks the piss how it ended up like this! 

With hammer & nails, I'm no Chippendale
I'll just put me tool away
I'm in need of a screw but cuppa'll do
Cos I'm sick to death with Flat-Packs
And I'm reight stressed out with Flat-Packs
No I just can't do with Flat-Packs
I'm an epic fail with Flat-Packs
So stick your chuffing flatpacks

credits

from 'Ave It : Bold As Brass (2017), released June 17, 2017

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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