Frisky In The Jar

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live] by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

Frisky In The Jar
Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Amanda White

Me and me missus went to
The Jessop Wing in Sheffield
Signed-up for a course of IVF,
But we found it was a minefield
They first produced a fountain pen
And we signed a pile of paper
But I hadn’t got a chuffing clue
What they had in store for me there
They took us to a tiny room
And said they needed samples
Two vials of blood from her right arm,
But from ME they took an armful
Three nurses had to hold me down,
And they ruffled up me tanktop
And they left me with an empty arm,
A cuppa and a Hob Nob!

Muttering “Ooh you’ve buggered me arm”
We only came for embryos
Not for pain and a tale of woe
I’ve no strength to lift me fire hose

They gave me a small plastic jar,
And then they took the biscuit
And sent me to another room,
With very little in it
A drawer with sticky magazines
And the TV muted silent
And a DVD in black & white,
Titled ‘Shaving Ryan’s Privates’.

No way would I be sitting,
In the wipe-clean leather armchair
Lord only knows, how many blokes,
Had shot their pistols sat there
So there I stood, with task in hand,
Struggling with me software
Tried shooting straight into the tiny jar,
But it was a chuffing nightmare

Juggling a lad-mag and me jar
I’m whackin’ on me-laddio
It’s hard to act like Romeo
Getting frisky in a jar-o

I had bragged about a bucketful
But I struggled with a thimble
Now I’m not ambidextrous
And it’s clear that I’m not nimble
And where were all the nurses,
Their help would have been super
But here I am on the NHS,
Christ I should’ve gone with BUPA

Struggling just to fill up me jar
Not the best scenario
I’ve got cramp but no ‘get up and go’
Getting frisky in the jar-o

Now it hurts when I play me guitar
Like a limp lothario
I can’t come or get me cock to crow
Not so frisky in the jar

credits

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live], released June 1, 2015

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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