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lyrics

How Deep Is Your Glove?
Lyrics:  Alan Doonican #2 / Scott Doonican / Amanda White

Went to Phuket for some winter sun
And on the way back, as I got off the plane
Me feet had barely touched ground
When I was dragged out of the customs lane
Officers quizzed me, and with a frown
With me tank top off and me trousers down
I screamed, “I need to know

How deep is your glove!?
How deep? How deep is your glove?
How far do you need to go?
Cos when I said I had a crack in me arse.
You misunderstood
I'm not a mule, you've took my dignity
With your hands colder than the North Sea

There is nothing nice
About finding out that lightning can strike twice.
When I went along to my GP
Because me choc’late locker din’t feel right.
I said “It takes an age when I try to pee"
She said "lay on your side, while I try to see"
All the clinic heard me shout

How deep is your glove!?
How deep? How deep is your glove?
That’s no hand it’s like a boiler shovel
I was suffering with me Jeremy Kyles
But she was all smiles
As the tears came to my eyes
I think she loved to see grown men cry

I could hit those notes like the Bee Gees
Are you past me ears? Christ, I dare not sneeze!
I’m not a human puppet show!
How deep is your glove?

How deep? How deep is your glove?
I’m really quite concerned
Don’t even think about a second opinion
Or I will break down
That is one thing I can guarantee
Thought you were ramming up a Christmas tree!


How deep? How deep is your glove?
You never bought me flowers or dinner
You didn’t even give me time to prepare,
Before you were there
Knuckles deep inside my derriere
Cos BUPA doesn’t cover wear and tear

How deep? How deep is your glove?
I’m not ashamed to say it
But I may have bit a hole in your bench
As I battened down
As your digit entered into me
Feels like you’re up there with a JCB

credits

from Place Of Spades (2019), released June 30, 2019

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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