I Don't Feel Like Camping

from Place Of Spades (2019) by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

I Don't Feel Like Camping
Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Amanda White

Me mate went mad in Millets
And I said 'What have you done?'
He used to have a life, but now he's found another one
Last week he did the 3 Peaks
This week he's in The Lakes
There's not a place on earth he'd go, without Kendal mint cake

Well, I'm no Ray Mears or the next Lord Baden Powell
There's nowt that's getting me to go outdoors
Dun't need nettle-rash when I'm oppening' me bowels
Cos  on the (w)hole I find that's rather sore

But  I don't feel like campin'
In the British wind and rain
Me  heart is wheer me home is,
And me home can't blow away
And even  if me tent stays put,
It's still a chuff to put away
So I don't feel like campin',
No sir, no campin' today

Don't feel like campin', campin'
With Dock leaves instead o' bog-roll
Don't feel like campin', campin'
Cos like Bear Grylls it's a pain in the hole
Don't feel like campin', campin'
Living off the land ain't so grand
No it's out of hand and it's reight cold

Hobbies come and hobbies go
But camping dun't appeal
The Great Outdoors is not so great,
In fact it's an ordeal
Rubbing sticks together,
Like the scouts, would leave me tired
But a pint or two or paraffin
Would sort out that camp-fire

So please understand
That I'm pretty far from grand
There's not a chance on earth I would relent
No, I can't pretend that I'm Mother Nature's friend
When there's swarms of wasps
Just buzzing round me tent

But I don't feel like campin',
Creepy crawlies aren't for me
I don't need to wait hour
To mek a luke warm cup o' tea
And if you really think canoeing's fun
Just get back in sea
Because I don't feel like campin',
No sir, no campin' for me

Don't feel like campin', campin'
Me get up and go, just got up and went
Don't feel like campin', campin'
Haven't a clue when erecting a tent
Don't feel like campin', campin'
How on God's green earth
Are all these tent pegs bent!?

I don't need the open air
Or being eaten by a bear
Just leave me be
‘Cos the Great Indoors is where I’m climatized

There's no chuffin' way I'm campin',
I don't care, I will not try
There's absolutely no appeal
To sleep under the sky,
There's creatures with more teeth and legs than me
To keep me terrified
I know I'd sooner make the choice
To stick pins in me eyes

Don't feel like campin', campin'
I dun't want flies crawling ovver me food
Don't feel like campin', campin'
Stick yer Spork cos I'm not in the mood?
Don't feel like campin', campin'
Rather be home with a roof
And a proper working loo

credits

from Place Of Spades (2019), released June 30, 2019

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican image

The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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