I Shopped At Asda
(Lyrics: S.Doonican)

I shopped at Asda and it nearly put ten years on me
When I do the Big Shop it’s always a catastrophe

It’s Friday neet, and I’m doin’ the Big Shop - Got that trolley wit’ dodgy wheels
It’s tekking me places I dun’t wanna go - Don’t need Lillettes or Vagisil
At the deli counter, got a ticket there - It was number fifty five
It was like a meat and cheese-based lottery - No bugger’s getting out alive

I shopped at Asda - ‘cause I needed some snap for me tea
You always spend a fortune - ‘cause there’s loads on buy-one-get-one-free

I couldn’t move for all the obstacles - That were blockin’ every lane
Can’t get to’t’ shelves for’t staff restacking them - It’s enough to drive a bloke insane
Kids running wild in the confection’ry - It meks me wanna shout
They’re screaming “Mam! Why can’t I have no sweets?”
What they really wants a bloody clout.

I shopped at Asda - and I got me quid stuck in’t trolley
I only went for’t paper - but bought a Blu-Ray DVD

All of a sudden, t’final aisle’s in sight - I’m almost home and free
Head for the counter, but my path is blocked by a chuff on shop mobility
The checkout girl looked bored and looked through me - She said “D’you want a Bag For Life?”
I said “I’ve got one here already love”... and got a reight clout off me wife

I shopped at Asda - but I did not take me mam with me
Me mam shops at Iceland - ‘cause that’s where mums are meant to be

Frustration came my way one day - At the self-service check-out
Unexpected item in the bagging area - Before I’d started scanning owt
The barcode scanner said my Toblerone - Was a plasma-screen TV
I looked around, but no one could be found - It wasn’t looking good for me
One spotty kid was running fourteen tills - Took ages to sort the farce
He said “Do you need a hand with your packing sir?”
I said “You can pack self-service up yer arse”!”


I don’t like Sainsburys – no no! Or t’Netto… I don’t like Waitrose - oh no! Or t’Tescos!
I hate Morrisons – I do! And t’Co-op… I can think of - a few - more reasons to shop - elsewhere
I can’t stand shopping – no no – I hate it! But I’ve solved that problem... I send the missus
She prefers Lidl – she does - or sometimes Aldi… She buys in bulk there... That’s much more handy
I can’t stand shopping!