We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      £1 GBP  or more

     

about

Lyrics: Andy Doonican / Scott Doonican / Amanda White

lyrics

You just sit on your arse - morning, noon, night
Straining your heart - with each big bite
Taking pizza away - won't make it OK
Considering how much you weigh
Got the remote control - Mam’s your waiter
You claim you’re big boned - to the haters
And you say "I'm a kid", but your tekkin’ the piss
Cos you won't run for shit

Milkshake in one hand playing X-Box
At eight years old it’s criminal that
If you move you're knackered
You go to move you're knackered
You only look across the room towards the door and you’re shattered

Scoffing trays of jam-filled donuts
Eat crisps from the folds in your gut
You can’t move - you’re knackered
And if you moved you’d stagger
And you’re just laid there watching Star Wars but you look like Jabba

Go to school in the car - forget walking
To the end of the street - must be joking
Because you have a date - with your breakfast at eight
You’ve got enough on your plate

So dieting’s tough - Atkins feels like
There’s just not enough - salad tastes shite
Dr Gillian McKeith, says you beggar belief
Even your arsehole’s got teeth

So get on your feet…
Your PE teachers know your scam
Every week you bring a note from yer mam
Cos when you move you’re knackered
Don’t give me looks like daggers
Forget the pie and peas swap it for low-fat cheese n crackers

Fitness classes won’t enrol you
You’re the poster boy for Gregg’s sausage rolls
That stomach won’t get flatter
Cos when you move you’re knackered
And you just dream of Crispy Creams and Mars Bars fried in batter

Enough’s enough, I’ll go the extra mile
Gonna take control, change my whole lifestyle
And it’s no big secret - That I’m trying to beat it - run, rest, repeat it
So just like Rocky, I’m gonna fly
Cutting out the Twix’s, cutting out the Sprite
Lifting kettle-bells - well it hurt’s like hell - but I feel compelled

Cos now I roll like this…
Cutting out the snacks and sweeties
Avoiding Type 2 diabetes
I’d gone from flab to flabber
But now I move like Jagger
And now I’m working up a sweat as I move up the ladder

You may think drinking eggs is silly
But nowadays I can see my willy
I don’t feel half as shattered
My BMI’s been battered
Given a choice of sweets or salad now I’d choose the latter

credits

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

contact / help

Contact The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this track or account

If you like The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican, you may also like: