Move, 'Yer Knackered

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live] by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

Move Yer Knackered
Lyrics: Scott Doonican / Amanda White / Andy Doonican

You just sit on your arse, morning, noon, night
Straining your heart with each big bite
Taking pizza away won’t make it OK
Considering how much you weigh
Got the remote control - Mam’s your waiter
You claim you’re big boned to the haters
And you say “I’m a kid”, but your tekkin’ the piss
‘cos you won’t run for shit

Milkshake in one hand playing X-Box
At eight years old it’s criminal that
If you move you’re knackered
You go to move you’re knackered
You only look across the room
Towards the door and you’re shattered

Scoffing trays of jam-filled donuts
Eat crisps from the folds in your gut
You can’t move, you’re knackered
And if you moved you’d stagger
And you’re just laid there watching Star Wars
But you look like Jabba

Go to school in the car, forget walking
To the end of the street, must be joking
Because you have a date with your breakfast at eight
You’ve got enough on your plate

So dieting’s tough; Atkins feels like
There’s just not enough, salad tastes shite
Dr Gillian McKeith, says you beggar belief
Even your arsehole’s got teeth
So get on your feet…

Your PE teachers know your scam
Every week you bring a note from yer mam
‘cos when you move you’re knackered
Don’t give me looks like daggers
Forget the pie and peas, swap it for low-fat cheese ‘n’ crackers

Fitness classes won’t enroll you
You’re the poster boy for Gregg’s sausage rolls
That stomach won’t get flatter
‘cos when you move you’re knackered
And you just dream of Crispy Creams and Mars Bars fried in batter

Enough’s enough, I’ll go the extra mile
Gonna take control, change my whole lifestyle
And it’s no big secret, that I’m trying to beat it
Run, rest, repeat it
So just like Rocky, I’m gonna fly
Cutting out the Twix’s, cutting out the Sprite
Lifting kettle-bells, well it hurt’s like hell
But I feel compelled, ‘cos now I roll like this…

Cutting out the snacks and sweeties
Avoiding Type 2 diabetes
I’d gone from flab to flabber, but now I move like Jagger
And now I’m working up a sweat as I move up the ladder
You may think drinking eggs is silly
But nowadays I can see my willy
I don’t feel half as shattered
My BMI’s been battered
Given a choice of sweets or salad now I’d choose the latter

credits

from The Tarn Machine (2015) [includes video-stream access to the album performed live], released June 1, 2015

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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