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lyrics

I light a candle for my love
Wait for the wine list to appear
But in posh restaurants I discover
The missus looks across at me in fear…

This in’t gonna work
'Cos I could eat a scabby donkey with lurg
I’ve ate two bread rolls and I’ve asked for another one
The waiter looks shocked and stunned

I’m quite concerned - I can’t read French
What the hell’s an hors d'oeuvres?
Bugger off I want a plate of Pie & Peas
A plate of Pie & Peas

I’m quite concerned - I can’t read French
But I know this is merde
“Voulez Vous, I want a plate of Pie & Peas
A plate of Pie & Peas”

This kind of place
Always filled with snobby folks poker-faced
All around my plate utensils are just festooned
I’ve got four forks and a range of spoons
(How am I gonna choose?)

Don’t talk to me
I’ve got no time for folks who pass round the brie
You’ve got no chance,
I want a plate of Pie & Peas
A plate of Pie & Peas

I took a gamble for my love
The odds are stacked against me here
Fine dining never was my forte
But maybe I should try to persevere…

You claim I don’t try
But when it looks and tastes like something’s insides
I’m forced to treat it, like he’s just brought a plate of sprouts
I’d much rather go with out - all of this Cordon Blue

I’m not going to fret
'Cos I was dragged up, I have no etiquette
Forget that muck I want a plate of Pie & Peas
A plate of pie & peas

I dun’t want to grouse
But should I have soup or remortgage me house
Don’t wind me up because this joke
Has gone much too far
What the chuff’s caviar?

Forget coq au vin
I would sooner have some corned beef or spam
But right now I want a plate of Pie & Peas
A plate of pie & peas

I lit a candle for my love
But now my love has disappeared
The waiter’s looking quite disgruntled
Forget the wine list – go get me a beer

credits

from Rugh & Ryf (2022), released May 25, 2022
Scott: vocals, acoustic guitar, piano, bass, drum programming
Björn: string quartet, mandolin, fiddle, backing vocals
Alan: Piano accordion

Written by Scott Doonican and Amanda White

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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