The Broadside Ballad Of Maggie Gove

from Rugh & Ryf (2022) by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

Bank Holiday, on the first of May
Is the best one of the year
Where I planned to spend good company
And most of me wage on beer

To Barnsley Folk Club I did go
To have fun with my peers
I'd heard their singaround was good
Their ale and atmosphere

The very first rule of Folk Club
Is not to talk of it
Or of the world of beige contained inside
In Arran or double knit

But I turned up open-minded
Cos I'm an open-minded bloke
But if the future of folk depends on it
We've got not bloody hope

Cos I waited for my turn to come
I'd tuned up in advance
But before I got my time to shine
I lost my chuffing chance

Cos who jumps up but Margaret Gove
And everyone did yawn
She's the Queen of epic Broadside songs
Of seventy verses long

Old Maggie's been on the folk scene
Since Moses was a lad
She loves boring song after boring song
But only if they're Trad

No Fairport or Bob Dylan
They're too modern for Maggie Gove
Every song she sings begins in May
Cos that's when wild rovers rove

Songs of maidens young and fair
Going down by the greenwood side
With knackered moral compasses
And their legs spread open wide

Or sea shanties about whaling fleets
Or ballads of wars long gone
Nowt breaks the stride of ol' Maggie Gove
No she just rambles on

Now I've learnt the rules of folk songs
They're about sex, death and poltics
Or burning folk in a Wickerman
Under a solar eclipse

But certain folk songs trouble me
What's the fuss about Maidenhead?
And why do all the happy couples
Always end up dead?

And why do comely maidens
Have fun rolling in the hay
Before the bombshell's quaintly dropped
That the merry ploughboy's gay!

But back now to my tale of woe
Although I did digress
It took the length of the last seven verses
For things to progress

After a ten minute introduction
Of where she collected it
I knew right then that Maggie's song
Would be a steaming pile of shit

Then Maggie Gove composed herself
She coughed and cleared her throat
Then unacompanied she sang
Like she'd kick-started a goat

With a finger placed tight in her ear
She meandered through her tune
But apparently both fingers in mine
Makes me extremely rude

The rest of the bearded folkie folk
Had heard her drone before
But little did I know at verse sixteen
There was another fifty four

My beer glass soon ran empty
But folk etiquette dicates
You don't leave your seat til the singer's done
No matter how long it takes

Her boring ballad blundered on
As dread consumed that place
If Cecil Sharpe came back right now
I'd shoot him in the face

Survival instinct consumed me
I'd not be press ganged yet
I'll took my chance while I still could
And thought bollocks to etiquette

Long before she reached her final verse
I lost my mind and cracked
I put my guitar back in its case
And vowed to ne'r go back!

I left that most archaic place
Brow-beaten, mentally scarred
I’d consider other music clubs
But jazz is much too hard

credits

from Rugh & Ryf (2022), released May 25, 2022
Scott: vocals, acoustic guitar, recorder, arrangement
Björn: fiddle, tenor banjo
Alan: piano accordion

Special guests...
Dave Pegg - bass
Arthur Beetlaite - drums
Joel Howe - mandolin

Written by Scott Doonican, Bjorn Doonicansson, Alan Doonican, Amanda White and Maartin Allcock

A special thank you to Jan Lane for permission to use 'A Surfeit of Lampreys' by Maartin Allcock

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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