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The Funeral / The Majst​å​ng Medley

from Rugh & Ryf (2022) by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

Once I got an invitation to go to a funeral
But to me disappointment,
well the fellow didn't die.
He apologised profusely
For the trouble he was causing us
And after the apologies we let the matter lie

To make up for disappointment,
He took us out and treated us,
He called for pints of porter
for a company of ten.
And when somebody asked him,
Whose money he was squandering
That fella got his eyebrows
Put in mourning there and then.

Now the owner of the beer shop
he saw us getting riotous
He told us for to hop it,
but to go we all refused
So he called a gang of loafers
who were hanging round the corner,
And for ten or fifteen minutes
we were terribly abused.

They chased us from the beer shop
and down the street we staggered,
Where a bunch of raggamuffins
started pelting us with mud.
We told them for to chuck it
and they said that they were doing so,
And they battered us severely
and they left us where we stood.

Just then we came in contact
with a party of Salvationers,
They rifled all our pockets,
til we swore that we were saved
And little Mick McGinty
got escorted to the station house
For asking a policeman
if his bottom hair was shaved.

To pay McGinty's bail
every man took off his undershirt
And off to the pawnshop
we dragged the chuffin’ lot.
We told the man we only wanted
ten-and-sixpence on ‘em
“There’s enough on ‘em already!”
was the answer that we got.

So we got the ten and sixpence
and set off to free McGinty,
But the devil take the whisky shop
we met along the way.
We couldn't pass the door
without taking some refreshment
Til we squandered every penny
of the fine we had to pay.

Then the whisky being in us
and the sense it being out of us,
For a spot of rioting,
every one of us did prepare
We battered one another
till we weren't worth three ha'pence,
And you couldn’t see the carpet
on the floor for skin and hair.

Then we bought a concertina
for to keep the great hilarity,
Though none of us could play,
though we tried our best and worst.
We knocked a lot of noise from it,
if that was any benefit,
We handled it so gently
that the bellows went and burst.

So, we got some hot potatoes
for to mend the concertina
And then someone hit McCluskey
with the carcass of a rat.
He buckled up his eyebrows
and went and read the Riot Act.
And swore he'd put two heads
on the bugger that did that.

Then I hit McClusky
and McClusky hit some other man,
And everyone hit anyone
to whom he had a spite.
And Johnny MacNamara
who was sitting saying nothing
Got a kick that broke his jaw
for not indulging in the fight.

And we fought like Turks
'till the police they arrested us
And they marched us off to jail
with broken noses and black eyes.
I got forty days hard labour
and for me it was a warning, boys
Oh, never go to funerals
until the bugger dies!

credits

from Rugh & Ryf (2022), released May 25, 2022
Björn: acoustic guitar, tenor banjo, mandolin, fiddle, bass, drum programming
Alan: Accordion
Scott: Vocal and Electric Guitar

Special guest...
Mojo Doonican: Mandolin

The Funeral is an 1800s Broadside Ballad from Ireland,
taken from the Vaughan Williams Memorial Library ROUD V2209

The Majstång Medley contains four traditional tunes:
The Stoat That Ate Me Sandals
Kerrigan's Fancy
Bear Dance
The Grand Parade

The medley was arranged by Bjorn.

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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