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Where The Sheets Have No Stains

from Rugh & Ryf (2022) by The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican

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lyrics

After a gig, I don’t want to drive
I want to get to my digs and check in the moment I arrive
At a hotel that's clean as it tries to proclaim
But they're not all the same

I just need a place to unpack my case
To wash my lustrous locks with a hot power shower on my face
Where Trip-Advisor Reviews show that no one's complained
And where the sheets have no stains... oh no

Where the sheets have no stains
Where the sheets have no stains
If it's not clean, I don't give a chuff!
It's not good enough
And if the telly remote is sticky like glue
You know what I’ll do

Don’t want thick hair in me bath
Or crawly bedbugs galore
Or things that go bump in the night
Like that right noisy couple next door
Don’t need the map to my room
To be like Hampton Court Maze
Or where me room stinks of drains... oh no

Where me room stinks of drains
Where me room stinks of drains
Forget maid service - I don't give a chuff!
It's not good enough
Cos if I go to bed, and find old tissues
Oh you know what I’ll do

I want a place that I trust
Don’t want to walk where your toe-nails were trimmed
And you just missed the bin
Oh I’ve seen it all...
Why has nobody flushed?
There’s nowt discrete if there are traces on view
Of what was left in the loo
Pass the questionnaire, for my point-of-view
“This place is shit like U2”

credits

from Rugh & Ryf (2022), released May 25, 2022
Scott: vocals, acoustic guitar, keyboards, 5-string banjo, mandolin, bass, drum programming
Alan: Piano accordion

Written by Alan Doonican, Scott Doonican and Amanda White

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The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican UK

Hailing from Barnsley, The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican are Britain's hardest working comedy band. Having played over 1,100 anarchic live shows to date, they are instantly recognisable for their immaculate hair and their stylish dress-sense. The have been critically acclaimed to be the UK festival scene's undisputed Kings of Parody. ... more

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